Dingleambassador

Having to leave Amazon and KU was a minor earthquake to my mental health, because I'm having to think about the future and what I see is scary. While indie authorship is always a marathon, I'll have to go wide now, which is an even slower build. It means I need a day job. And the one I applied for, that I actually wanted, is ghosting me. Unfortunately ghosting is very common employer behaviour here. It angers me that employers can behave so unprofessionally while the people applying to jobs have to be perfectly professional despite the stress and despite being treated badly by the market and by employers.

For a few days I was coming over all weepy at random times of the day, and when I was looking through jobs I was forgetting to breathe. There was a constant knot in my throat and the back of my neck hurt because I was unconsciously so tense. I applied to one thing and just stopped. I remember the last time I job searched, and it was bad, but my symptoms this time are so severe that my recent job must have hurt me more than I thought. The other employees were there long-term and I thought I would get to be, too. And when I heard about some of their newbie mistakes–accidentally deleting a website, spending a client's entire marketing budget in an hour by forgetting to cap the daily ad spend–I wondered why they had been allowed to stay while I, who had not made any newbie mistakes, was laid off. By extending my trial period instead of making me permanent, they paid me less than the salary I was supposed to get for an additional three months, so that they got nine months of my labour and I got less than I bargained for. And these were employers and colleagues I trusted, and even now I'm confused because when I tell my friends about it, they say I was exploited, and if I heard my friend tell me this I'd say the same. But they had seemed such green flags to me that now I don't know how to choose a job that won't hurt me. If exposing yourself to the job is the only way to find out, that doesn't help my anxiety while applying.

The ways in which I am trying to care for my mental health include: wearing outfits I like even if I'm not going out, hyperfixating on Yunho, and trying to find k-drama and books that stimulate me because writing fannishly gives me a sense of accomplishment without any expectation of monetary gain. I like thinking up and writing meta more than fanfiction, and I like the bits of interaction I get on my tumblr posts. I like the platform and I like that Ateez and k-drama fandoms are present there, although I wish CIX and other k-pop fandoms would also move there instead of staying on Twitter.

I can't always find things that stimulate me, though, and sometimes something that stimulates me for a while peters off. For instance, I was enjoying the k-drama Idol I, about an idol accused of murder whose representing lawyer is secretly his fangirl, because the first half of the show was deliciously self-reflective about the experience of being a fangirl and what a mindfuck it is when the parasocial crosses into the real. But the second half of the show is just romance with a murder mystery background, and is not as interesting to me.

I've got to figure out ways to keep the happy chemicals in my brain in production, but one thing I'm grateful for is how accessible art is for me thanks to modern tech. I can read webtoons, watch shows, read webnovels, listen to music, scroll Tumblr for art. One of my online acquaintances told me I can find mini tutorials for oil pastel techniques on Pinterest. And when I create, when I write something of my own, I can put it on the internet. Even if other circumstances and conditions make my brain unhappy, even if it's near impossible to maintain wellbeing during These Times, feeding my brain nourishing things is easier now than at any other point in history, probably.

I have put off making this post, but I'm writing it now.
( Had to unpublish Bloodhunt Academy from the Zon. )

Writing Bloodhunt Academy was an achievement for me, considering I wondered whether I could ever read or write again at some point before it. I can't just let it languish. I've started cutting the chapters into smaller chunks and uploading it to Royal Road (link!). It was not meant to be a web serial so I don't know, but I'm going to just continue expanding it instead of making Book Two separate. For the people who bought the book from the Zon upon release, and the ARC readers who indicated they wanted to read Book Two, I'm planning to send a free e-copy of the completed expanded version. If you bought the book, DM me with the email you'd like me to send it to and I'll save it on my ARC reader spreadsheet.

A consequence of the indie author dream fizzling out is that I'm having to terrify myself trying to figure out ways to have hope for the future. Trying to believe I won't live and die in this house. I'm having to face the prospect of jobsearching again and trying to stave off the depression that rises whenever I do.

My friend Venky sent me a job posting he saw that he thought I'd be interested in, and he was right. I applied for it, but the fact that I actually want this job, as opposed to thinking that something or the other will have to do, has made the tenterhooks another kind of torture. The employer responded to my application email saying they will get back to candidates within a certain timeframe. I waited for double of that timeframe to pass, with no word from the employer, before sending my followup email a few days ago, asking them for the status of my application. I hate how the process has played havoc with my mental health throughout. I'd probably go insane if I didn't have the tarot. Although I use tarot predictively, I don't usually do timing readings, because my success with them has been mixed. But not knowing how long I should wait or whether I was going to be ghosted entirely for a job I actually want was kind of destroying me, so I did a timing reading. I used one of my Thoth decks, the Parrott Tarot, because the Thoth system is less scenic and more symbolic which works better for timing.



Based on my reading, I'm assuming I'll hear from them next week. If next week passes by and I don't hear from them I'm going to stop waiting. The thought of not getting this job terrifies me. The thought of what to do if I have to stop waiting, give it up, find some other path somehow, terrifies me. I'm assuming I'll hear from them next week and, according to a predictive tarot reading I did that reassures me, I'm assuming I'll get the job.

Moontime began around midday today. I was cramping, and the herbal sanitary pads came in clutch. So so glad Instagram targeted me for these.

I've had an ultrasound done, and they found a fibroid sitting in my uterus. Getting the blood test to screen for PCOS proved more complicated because most major hospitals here don't have a PCOS package and add each test individually, which turns out prohibitively expensive. They all say they have a Gynaecology department but it's all pregnancy and childbirth, no menstrual health. This includes the hospitals that call themselves a 'women and children's hospital'. Hell, there's a whole hospital just for fertility and childbirth here, called The Birthplace. But nothing for menstrual health! It makes me so angry. Even the gynaecologist who diagnosed me, is one I consulted online because her specialisation is menstrual health whereas all the gynaecologists in my city specialise in fertility.

Since this is a fasting blood test I wanted to go to a hospital nearby. That didn't work out because they're obsessed with me giving birth when any woman who chooses to give birth does so for a much shorter span of her life than the span she spends menstruating!!!! *angry noises*

So I called Proactive For Her (through whom I'd had the online consultation with the gynaecologist who told me my periods are definitely abnormal). They said they only opened at nine, so I went and waited. Turns out they don't even have their own clinic space and they're sharing space with an IVF clinic (fucking fertility again). At least they have a presence in my city! I wouldn't have been able to get tested for PCOS if they didn't! They had a comprehensive PCOS panel for 5000 rupees. The other hospitals were charging 30,000 rupees because they didn't have an existing package and were adding each test individually!

No wonder so many women get told to just go have a baby whenever their periods are giving them trouble. It's because the gynaecologists telling them that haven't been trained for anything else. And it's not like the hospitals offer comprehensive testing, either.

What this experience drove home to me is that I never had the chance to get diagnosed earlier anyway because Proactive For Her only started three or so years ago, opened first in Bangalore and came to my city only recently. They do offer fertility and pregnancy related care, but they equally offer menstrual healthcare and women's sexual healthcare. They're the only gynaecologists I know here who screen for vaginismus, for instance.

Now I'm waiting for my report. Can't wait to get some answers!

On a lighter note (or more creepy note), Instagram is already targeting me for PCOS supplements. On the one hand I haven't been diagnosed yet, on the other hand I have a hunch I will be, on the third hand Instagram is sooo spying on me because it knows just from me mentioning being tested for PCOS aloud, on the fourth hand perhaps being spied on is worth it if it's serving me up useful information because I wouldn't know where to go hunting for supplements and this way I have all the choices in front of me, and on the fifth hand I use Instagram as a shopping and jobsearching site and not a social media one anyway so it's fineeee.